If you breeze through the holiday season with not a care in the world, read no further. If not, and a little holiday coping boost is in order, continue on.

The holidays are a mixed bag for me – the happy, magical memories of early childhood christmases bump up hard against the realities of adulthood… The Holiday Sads like to visit.

I’ve had many conversations over these last few weeks with friends that are feeling pushed to their limits, stressed about time and money (or the feeling of there not being enough of either) and that complex feeling that The Most Wonderful Time of Year can bring. The decorating, the traditions, the time away with family. There are so many obligations we feel like we need to fulfil, with our families and loved ones – often involving plans made by others. Being creatures of habit, these breaks in routine can also serve to leave us feeling overwhelmed and disheveled.

There are also many of us that feel grief and loss more intensely around the holidays, and then feel guilty or ashamed for experiencing these completely normal responses. I’m very often reminded of this brilliant quote, “Some things in life cannot be fixed, they only be carried.” To everyone experiencing grief and loss, I hope that you will shower yourself with self-compassion, to speak to yourself the way that you would speak to a friend or loved one experiencing what you are.

Something that I struggle with is missing my son when he’s with his Dad. His Dad and I split the holiday – he’s with one of us on Christmas Day and the other Christmas Eve. It has been this way for years now, but each year, I make a plan. Many friends offer each for me to join their family gatherings (which is so deeply appreciated!) but sometimes people-ing with strangers only provides another level of discomfort.

I’m going to share my list for this Christmas Day with you, the ways in which I will stay present, things that make me feel happy:

Go for a hike
Yoga
“Take in the Good” (more on this later)
Light a favorite scented candle
Read a book
Take a nap
A special treat
Favorite songs playlist
Watch a comedy
Friends to reach out to if needed

And a few reminders:

It’s okay if holidays are hard
Don’t compare
Thoughts are just thoughts, they are not the truth
It’s okay to set boundaries
It’s okay to say “No.”

Because our thoughts have such an impact on how we perceive and navigate our world and experiences, “Taking in the Good” is an important tool to have in your toolbox. Created by Dr. Rick Hanson, this exercise can be practiced once or several times a day. In times when things feel hectic, sometimes we need to make a conscious effort to focus on what we are grateful for. This exercise takes this a step further.

How to Take in the Good:
Look for positive facts, and let them become positive experiences
Savor the positive experience
Sustain it for 10-20-30 seconds.
Feel it in your body and emotions
Intensify it
Sense and intend that the positive experience is soaking into your brain and body – registering deeply in emotional memory.

Kinds of “Good” to Take in:
The small pleasures of ordinary life
The satisfaction of attaining goals or recognizing accomplishments – especially small, contented, and fulfilled
Feeling grateful, contented, and fulfilled

Things are alright; nothing is wrong; there is no threat
Feeling safe and strong
The peace and relief of forgiveness

Being included, valued, liked, respected, loved by others
The good feelings that come from being kind, fair, generous

Recognizing your positive character traits
Spiritual or existential realizations.

The idea is to not just simply have the thought (although even acknowledging and thinking briefly about “good” or “happy” experiences can also have a positive impact on the brain and your mood), but to SIT with the thought, how it makes you feel, and to really let it sink in. This assists in Neuroplasticity – our thoughts can literally change the structure and functioning of our brains!

If you are experiencing the opposite end of this spectrum, and chaos ensues, remember to breathe. I know it sounds simple, but often when we are racing from place to place and trying to remember 900 things to check off the list, as women who are always making sure that everything is running smoothly, taking a breathing break can make a massive difference in slowing down and giving yourself a rest and reset. Find a comfortable place to sit. Rest your hands on your knees. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, then exhale through your nose for the count of four. Repeat ten times.

And remember. Self-care is not selfish. It is vital. Especially during such a hectic and complicated time of the year.

Also remember: You Got This.

Now, go slay this holiday season with your calmer self. I’m rooting for you.